Pink elephants on parade
by FlurryMcChicken
Summary: Havoc gets drunk and Ed, Al, Roy,and Riza must find him. R&R please


After one too many drinks at the bar, Havoc decides to walk home, meanwhile Edward & Alphonse and Co. are desperately searching for him.

Muttering to himself about how hot Riza is, taking an occasional swig from a vodka bottle, Jean spots something out of the corner of his eye.

He blinks, and meanders drunkenly over to where he thought something moving. Suddenly… he sees large ears. And short pink tails. And large pink bodies. That could only mean...

"OH MY GOD! THEY'RE PINK ELEHPANTS! …AND THEY'RE PARADING!" He slurs in broken speech.

As if on cue, a song starts up in his head, Jean screams and starts running away, the 'elephants' following him.

_Look out! Look out!  
Pink elephants on parade  
Here they come!  
Hippety hoppety  
They're here and there  
Pink elephants ev'rywhere  
Look out! Look out!_

"ELEPHAAAAAAAAAANTS!" Havoc screamed, running blindly by Edward, Alphonse, Riza, and Roy, all of whom sweat dropped rather largely seeing their ordinarily so calm and cool friend Havoc run past them screaming, waving a half-full bottle of vodka maniacally.

No, ' 'stumbling' past ' would seem more fitting, seeing as Havoc wasn't half sober at the time. Anyway, back to the story.

"Ummm… guys? Shouldn't we go… well, ya know, find him?" Alphonse asked, holding a cat in his arms.

"Meow!" it cried cutely.

"Maybe… you're right. Maybe he went out drinking or… something…" Edward tried to reason, failing to keep the confusion from out of his voice.

"I agree with Ed. Perhaps Havoc is high?" Roy suggested.

"MUSTANG!" Hawkeye exclaimed loudly.

"Meow!" the cat agreed, or at least, that's what it sounded like. Who could tell with that cat.

"THEY'RE COOOOOOOOOOOOOMING!" Jean exclaimed as he ran past them yet again, flailing his arms for balance every second. Apparently the vodka bottle had disappeared into his coat pocket.

Edward, Alphonse and Roy sweat dropped again, and Riza quietly murmured, "Idiot..."

"Maybe Roy's right…" Al spoke.

"All right then! We'll make it a game then! We'll split into teams!" Ed exclaimed, punching his fist into the air.

"Okay. I'm with Hawkeye then…" Mustang said, walking slowly over to her.

"AS IF! Me and Al are going together! Come on Al!" Riza said happily, running off to where they had last seen Jean.

"Ooookay then, pervert. Looks like it's you and me, Mustang." Edward-kun muttered, after thumping Roy rather hard on that head of his.

"Okay." They ran off in the opposite direction of Riza and Alphonse.

Let's see how our not-so-sober friend Havoc is doing now, eh?

Havoc stopped, his hands on his knees, keeled over, and then chucked it.

"Urgh… maybe the bar-tender was right…" He got up and looked around. "Well at least those creepy elephants are gone…"

_Look out! Look out!  
Pink elephants on parade  
Here they come!  
Hippety hoppety  
They're here and there  
Pink elephants ev'rywhere  
Look out! Look out!_

"AHHHHHHH!" Jean started running again, desperately looking around for somewhere to hide, seeing the elephants in his search.

The elephants glimmered and shone, the pink hides a light bubble gum colour. They did an array of different things, playing with lab equipment, wearing suits and jackets, painting a picture, playing trumpets and tubas and other brass instruments. He even saw one playing an organ! They sang nothing but that song—that God-Awful song that was going to remain in his head forever… Or, at least until he passed out.

"Wait a minute…" he muttered to himself.

He stopped suddenly, turning his head to glare at the creatures, a strange glimmer in his eye.

The elephants stopped all at once as well, stopping with rather confused faces on their well, ermmm, faces.

"GET READY! FOR THE MOST BRUTAL ATTACK OF… SILVER NEEDLES!" Havoc roared, his speech slurred and sloppy.

Riza and Al, however, turned the corner and found themselves face to face with Havoc.

You see, seeing as Havoc hadn't really been...sober enough, and the fact he wasn't an alchemist and there was no such attack such as 'silver needles,' the result turned out… rather… different than he expected.

Havoc took note of Hawkeye and Al, but clearly, had not got all of the chemicals out of his system.

"HAWKEYE! ALPHONSE! RUN AWAY! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" He roars, stumbling to his feet and running away.

"What are you talking about Jean? Come with Al and me, and it'll all be OKAY. I think you just had a little too much to drink buddy." Riza held her arms out, palms up, and grinned awkwardly, trying to calm down her drunken friend.

"Wha…?" Jean turned his head, stopping suddenly and tripping over his own two feet.

He narrowed his eyes, his vision sifting and yelled, quite suddenly and loudly, "OH MY GAWD! THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT, ISN'T IT! THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY BOOOOOOOOOZE! RUN AWAY!" Havoc got to his feet and started running away, as the elephants regained their composure and started chasing him again, wearing an African dress and wearing fruit hats and doing the conga-line dance, the song rising again in his head,

_They're walking around the bed  
On their head  
Clippety cloppety  
Arrayed in braid  
Pink elephants on parade  
What'll I do? What'll I do?  
What an unusual view!_

"Erg…" Riza sighed, collapsing on the ground in exhaustion.

"Hopefully Ed and Roy'll have more luck than us.…" She mused aloud…

Havoc was holding his hand to his heart, breathing heavily.

"They're comin… They're all comin'… stupid elephants. As if being drunk isn't enough… Now the elephants are here…" He muttered, standing next to a doctor's office, lighting a cigarette.

He puffed the smoke into the air, his right eye twitching from the amount of drugs he was taking in.

"That's better…" He sighed, and closed his eyes, his head pounding.

Just then…

_I could stand the sight of worms_

The cigarette dropped from his mouth. "Oh, crap."

Elephants began filling the streets again, the music growing louder and louder in his head. Elephants dressed in pinkish lab coats with worms and microscopes in their hands began dancing around, laughing and singing their maniacal song.

_  
And look at microscopic germs_

The began to link feet/hands and prance around Havoc in slow circles, as he backed away from the wall in fear.

_  
But technicolor pachyderms  
Is really much for me_

"Not again! Leave me alone you God-Awful Elephants!" He raged, holding his hands to his head then pin-wheeling them in an effort to make them go away.

At that moment, however, Ed and Roy had caught up with the young lush.

"Hey… Mustang? What's Havoc doing?" Edward asked, both of them sweat dropping at what looked like some sort of strange interpretive dance, his arms flailing and yelling some nonsense about elephants and worms, along with a few things that were rather to vulgar to mention in this story.

"I haven't the slightest idea FullMetal." Roy muttered, rubbing his head with his hand.

"Well, whatever the heck is wrong with him, we better make him better! Since Riza and Alphonse's 'kindness' method, we'll just have to make a head-on attempt!" Edward-kun made a fist with his hand.

"Got the sedatives Mustang?" He asked.

"Check, Ed." Roy held up a rather large needle filled with strange looking green liquid.

"Good, 'cause I got the net!" He held up an enormous butterfly net, "Let's get him! ATTACK!" Ed and Roy began running towards Jean, both screaming a loud and blunt war cry.

Jean, however, was sitting on the ground, tracing circles in the dust with his finger, pouting and tears streaming down his face.

"Why won't they leave me ALOOOOOOONE! I just want my vodka…" He whimpered, sitting back on his butt and covering his eyes with his hands, pouting and whimpering. Completely oblivious to the raging Flame and FullMetal, screaming loudly.

Meanwhile, the elephants started to dance in circles around Havoc, a rather large, pinkish one standing high above him, clasping its hands, ermm, paws, in an opera stance:

_I am not the type to faint  
When things are odd or things  
are quaint  
But seeing things you know that ain't  
Can certainly give you an awful fright!_

"Ain't it true, though?" Jean looked up at the singing pachyderm, only to collapse down to the ground, unconscious at the horrible sight of an elephant's bottom.

"What's wrong with Havoc?" Edward asked, as he and Roy neared the sudden collapsing suddenly on the ground, alone.

"I haven't the faintest idea… Perhaps we should revive him, first?" Mustang replied.

"Right."

Ed and Roy neared the unconscious Havoc, meanwhile the elephants had faded away, for the time being.

"Hey, Jean, get up…" Edward pulled him up, Havoc's head lolling limply to butt heads with Ed's own head, whereas Havoc's mouth sagged open.

"Wheeeew-we!" Ed waved his hand in front of his and Jean's face, to clear the smell of the alcohol.

"I think somebody's been drinking a little too much tonight, buddy…" Ed muttered to Jean, his eye twitching in the scent of alcohol.

At that moment, however, Jean had regained consciousness.

"ELEPHANTS!"

Unfortunately, the first thing he saw were the pink elephants chuckling madly at his condition.

"DEMONS!" Havoc broke away from Edward's grip and stumbled back a few feet, his teeth clenched and his fist trembling.

"THEY WANT MY VODKA!" He shouted at Ed and Mustang, pointing at the elephants.

"BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE IT TO THEM!" He laughed evilly and pranced away, the elephants shrugging to themselves and continued to follow the drunken adolescent. The vodka bottle slipped from his loose grip and fell to the ground in front of Roy's feet.

"Ummm…" Roy and Ed sweatdropped.

"What just happened?" Edward asked, scratching his head after picking up the vodka bottle, smelling it experimentally.

"No idea…" Flame responded meekly.

"Should we… leave him alone 'till morning? I'm sure he'll still… be here. Somewhere in this town. Out like a light, maybe… but still." Ed muttered.

Taking a glance at Roy, he took a small swig at the bottle, a huge grin across his face as the glass left his lips.

"Hey, this stuff isn't that bad..." Ed's grin broadened, and took another swig.

"If you're going to get drunk you could at least include me!" Roy lunged up at the bottle, taking a shot as well.

"Give it back!"

"There's plenty to go around, FullMetal."

"Ahhh... that's good stuff..."

Both of them grinned satisfactorily and began to walk away in curved paths to the hotel/casino where the group had been staying, singing a song that began to form itself in their head.

Havoc, at the moment, was sprawled unconscious against a homeless man, who was also out cold from a little too much to drink.

The elephants, still floating above him, sighed, clearly upset their fun had been taken away.

Until one of them spotted Edward and Roy. Grinning evilly, he nudged the others, until one by one they saw their new prey...

_What a sight!  
Chase 'em away!  
Chase 'em away!  
I'm afraid need your aid  
Pink elephants on parade!  
Pink elephants!  
Pink elephants! _


End file.
